12 May 2006
Friday, 10:35 PM
High-Level Journal Summary: Major life transitions are challenging. There is toughness in leaving one path for another -- especially when there is not much choice in the matter.
I am adding to my list of major life transitions. Right now, I am in the very thick of my life transition to having brain cancer -- feeling the stress, feeling the strain, feeling the pulls in multiple directions, feeling the angst of the unknown, not sure of where it will all land.
Countdowns:
1.) Day 26 of 28 in my 7th 5/23 Temodar chemotherapy cycle.
2.) Quarterly meeting with my local neurologist, Dr. Amy Stone, is on 5/16/06. The purpose of this meeting is to keep in sync with her and my primary neurologist, Dr. Steven Pacia (NYU).
Seizure Activity:
1.) Last Grand Mal Seizure was on 6/30/05.
2.) Last Simple Partial Seizure, or SPS, was 3 days ago (10-second sharp seizure).
3.) I have now had 19 SPS's in the past 141 days. This is an average of 1 every 7.4 days.
Medical Goals:
1.) For brain cancer, take Temodar chemotherapy for 2 years. This will improve the chances of stabilizing my brain cancer to keep it slow-growing. This will also "buy me time" as new treatments are found.
2.) For partial epilepsy, get better seizure control. Medication, stress reduction, and healthy sleep patterns are all needed. I cannot change medications while on chemotherapy. Still, the ultimate goal is to eliminate seizure activity.
3.) Game Plan. Treating my chemotherapy treatment as my fulltime job continues to be my overall game plan. This allows me the time and energy to employ the best practices I have learned from my virtual medical team.
Actual Journal: I am so glad the weekend has arrived. For most of this week, I found myself recovering from my medical trip to NYC last week. I ended up sleeping about 2-3 hours each afternoon, which severely impacted my overall productivity each day. But, that is what I physically needed to help rebuild my blood cells in this, my 7th, cycle of Temodar chemotherapy.
Adapting to major life changes
I've said this before, but I am seeing an erosion in my ability to bounce back quickly after things that are physically demanding and that break my patterns at home. It is a very slow erosion that is happening over months. It is frustrating. My frustration plays out at unexpected times -- in unexpected ways.
The solution to this is pretty simple. I have to continue to adapt to major life changes. The more I say "no" to new things, the more I say "yes" to the space that I need to make the changes that are now needed in my life. Man, that sounds so easy to do. But I keep failing this...over and over and over. I am a Type A personality who wants to accomplish at any worthy activity.
I don't like saying no.
I like saying yes.
I don't like doing less.
I like doing more.
I don't like having limits.
I like breaking new ground.
I don't like having energy restrictions.
I like to burn the candle at both ends.
I'm just getting these lessons early in life
These are tough lessons to learn. Perhaps this is part of the "Time Compression" I wrote about in my 5/8/06 journal entry, where learning major life lessons is compressed from decades of time to a single year or two. I keep getting my butt kicked as I learn these lessons.
Just because I am getting a handle on what this "Time Compression" issue is does not mean that I have come to peace with it. I get downright frustrated with the ebb and flow of energy associated with each chemo cycle. It creates so many dichotomies in my life.
2 weeks with blood levels going down.
2 weeks with blood levels going up.
Day 6 and day 7 in a chemo cycle, curled up in bed with fatigue.
Day 8 feeling SO much better.
Recovery time needed when I break my stability at home.
Wellness when I have relative stability in my life.
Feeling guilt for saying things that sound like complaints.
Feeling thankful that I can say things that sound like complaints.
Where the heck is this journal entry going?
I have a long list of things that I want to write about and better understand. In this online journal entry, I am clearly venting. But perhaps there is more.
I believe that major transitions in life are the most difficult of experiences. I remember going from 9 years at Accenture to helping to start a company called Rivermine. Man, that was a tough transition! I can now look back at the tough times with fondness, but at the moment, it was not easy. I could say the same thing about drum corps. Now, I look back at drum corps with the best experiences first in line. However, I do remember those rehearsals in 1986 when I said that I "hate, hate, hate" what we were doing.
Conclusion
There is toughness in building anything worthwhile. There is toughness in major life transitions. There is toughness in leaving one path for another -- especially when it is a forced transition.
I think this better orients me, because I am adding to my list of major life transitions. Right now, I am in the very thick of this life transition to having brain cancer -- feeling the stress, feeling the strain, feeling the pulls in multiple directions, feeling the angst of the unknown, not sure of where it will all land.
