9 May 2006
Tuesday, Midnight
High-Level Journal Summary: Deciding to put my french horn playing on hold for the foreseeable future. While getting music back into my life has been something that I proved to myself, I am finding that it is not something I can currently sustain, simply because of all the cancer demands I have in my life right now.
Countdowns:
1.) Day 23 of 28 in my 7th 5/23 Temodar chemotherapy cycle.
Seizure Activity:
1.) Last Grand Mal Seizure was on 6/30/05.
2.) Last Simple Partial Seizure, or SPS, was today (10-second sharp seizure).
3.) I have now had 19 SPS's in the past 138 days. This is an average of 1 every 7.3 days.
Medical Goals:
1.) For brain cancer, take Temodar chemotherapy for 2 years. This will improve the chances of stabilizing my brain cancer to keep it slow-growing. This will also "buy me time" as new treatments are found.
2.) For partial epilepsy, get better seizure control. Medication, stress reduction, and healthy sleep patterns are all needed. I cannot change medications while on chemotherapy. Still, the ultimate goal is to eliminate seizure activity.
3.) Game Plan. Treating my chemotherapy treatment as my fulltime job continues to be my overall game plan. This allows me the time and energy to employ the best practices I have learned from my virtual medical team.
Actual Journal: In my 4/22/06 online journal entry, I mentioned the Nickel Creek concert that I saw at the 9:30 Club in Washington, DC. During that concert, the crowd was chanting for a special song called "The Lighthouse's Tale." This request was for good reason. Wonderful melody and even better lyrics. However, the lead singer and composer, Chris Thile, politely told the audience the following:
"I need to give this song a rest. If you wrote it, perhaps you would better understand. I just need to give it a rest for a while."
These words have stuck with me because they fit so well into something I have been struggling with in the past month. Just 5 days before this Nickel Creek concert, I performed with my brass quintet, QBR, for Easter services at the National Presbyterian Church in Washington, DC. I worked my butt off getting ready for this gig. I had to! The music was very challenging, and I was performing with 2 members of the National Symphony Orchestra. As our tuba player Bill Gray said to me, "You have to have 'big boy chops' for this gig." He was right.
Well, I know how to get ready for such gigs. It is somewhat analogous to training for a marathon. There is technique, there is willpower, and there is an investment of physical time. All these things are needed to be properly prepared physically.
Nickel Creek Concert + Easter Brass Quintet Gig = ???
Bet you are wondering how the comments of Chris Thile ("theel-lee") and my preparation for a performance on Easter are related to brain cancer. Well, that is a good question. Basically, the Easter gig put me back in a mode that I have known for decades in my life. I know how to be a musician. However, this mode of daily practice CONFLICTS with what I need to be doing in the world of brain cancer. Totally conflicts. I was feeling the denouement of this conflict while on the front row of the Nickel Creek concert, trying to conclude what to do about it.
For a while, I had thought about retiring from my french horn playing. I seriously considered it. After all, hadn't I already done it all? As of 2006, I've been playing french horn for a full 30 years. Well, Chris Thile gave me another approach. "Just put it on hold for a while."
I pulled the trigger today
There are a number of gigs coming up with the Quintessential Brass Repertoire (QBR). I was feeling the stress of these upcoming gigs. These gigs conflict with what I need to be doing to properly prepare for my 8th round of chemotherapy.
When I had a short and sharp seizure this morning, I read my body and heard the message. This was stress-induced. I quickly interpreted this as my sign to put my horn playing on hold for a while. It was time for me to apply the wisdom of Chris Thile, this brilliant, insightful songwriter and musician. Chris did not say to the audience that he would never perform "The Lighthouse's Tale" again. Not at all. He just recognized that he needed some space from that outlet, leaving room for it to return at some point in the future.
Horn playing on hold for a while
I have had enough time since 4/22/06 to internalize this message and incorporate it into my life. I thought that I would just get through a few more gigs and then make this announcement. After all, the gig this Sunday is for the Virginia Tech Graduation Ceremony, and QBR has played this gig every year since 1989. (I am a graduate of Virginia Tech.) But, if I am really serious that health is my #1 priority right now, I had to make this decision.
So, I immediately called trumpeter Charlie Peterson this morning and asked for him to find a substitute for me. He was on the phone immediately and already has my music folders. Chaz made that change happen, coming through as he always does.
That was hard, but it feels right
In the end, I have already proven to myself that I can come back to my french horn after 6 months of no playing. I did that in late 2005 as I prepared for Christmas Eve. I was able to get my chops back in place after a long break, no problem. Then, I proved that I could get my chops in good enough shape to play with world-class professional musicians, holding my own during a concert. I was able to get those "big boy chops" that our tuba player mentioned. That was another good thing to learn about myself. Bottom line -- both these lessons were good to learn about myself post-surgery.
However, these proof points are different than creating a sustained pattern in my life. That is the lesson I have learned. Music as a sustained pattern is not for me at this point in my life. Instead, my immediate focus must be on brain cancer treatment. That is where my energy needs to be sharply focused. I could just see the slow diffusion of my energy as I overcommitted myself. It had to stop. It had to stop today.
So, I changed things with a simple decision...with a simple phone call. All the work to get to this decision point was the hard part, but now I am extremely relieved. This was very much the right decision for me, and I need to do the same thing in other areas of my life, too. It is carrying me in a more positive direction to do so.
